Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
