She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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