I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think a kid would responsible me up
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
