I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
