I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
