put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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