i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
