everyone is single if you try hard enough
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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