very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
