My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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