i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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