They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
