I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
