How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
