Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
