My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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