Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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