Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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