Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
