ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
