I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
