You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
two words...techno handjob
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize