Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
