24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
