he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
