If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
