So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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