I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
