theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
