My sheets look like a crime scene.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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