It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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