his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
