I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
