Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
