you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
