why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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