well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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