Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize