Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i believe in u and ur pee
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
