i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
