dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Buhtt sex?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
