Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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