At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
