i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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