i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
