does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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