Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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