Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I could make wine with my vomit
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize