I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
