I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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