Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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