he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize