Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
