I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
