My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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