Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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