hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
