hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
