I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
